THE INNER LIFE OF A CHILD
AN INTERVIEW WITH RAMI VISSELL

Rami at age eleven, Back cover photo of Rami’s Book: The Inner Life of a Child Photo by Doris Buckley As I am always learning from life, so too do I wish to share what I have discovered along the way. This is my story.

By the time I was eleven years old my parents had written three books. They had encouraged me to write ever since I was a little girl, and so I was always creating little books. One day my mom said to me, “Well, why don’t you write a book that we can publish?” To my eleven-year-old mind, that seemed like a great idea. I had no idea about the complexities of writing a book and publishing it, printing it and distributing it, so I said ok. My mom was the one who really worked with me. She reminded me of what a special upbringing I had. She said that there are so many people who would be inspired by hearing my story. So I started to write. What ended up coming out was the story of my very unique upbringing—unique in that I had two parents who really loved me and cared for me and gave me the opportunity to really know myself. They instilled in me a deep compassion for all life and a desire to serve and love in any way I could throughout my life.

I am looking at the pages of this book and smiling because it’s very sweet and innocent. Even though I wrote it so long ago, I still get letters from people. They say that even as adults it helps them and reminds them to simplify their life and to take time to get to know themselves, to spend time in nature and remember to be aware of the beauty in life.

Prior to writing this book I had been in a Waldorf School. That is where I came to love art. When I was nine, ten and eleven my parents had me in home school. They would teach me in the morning. A big part of my education was writing my book. In the afternoons I would go out and learn from nature. I would basically spend the whole afternoon romping around through the woods and meadows around our house and be carefree. Having that freedom to play is a gift that is still with me at twenty-four. Play and fun are so important.

The first chapter is called “Loving Yourself.” As a girl, I loved myself. I loved myself in the sense that I had respect for who I was and what I wanted to do in my life. I had confidence in who I was as a human being. Some people think that loving themselves means being obsessed and full of themselves, but that is not so. To love yourself is simply to love the person that you are inside and out.

The chapter called “My Sister in the Heaven World” is about my mom having a miscarriage when I was about ten. That was my first experience with death. My Mom and Dad taught me about how this little girl, this little being, was living on in the spirit world and was like an angel, a constant guide and friend in our lives. I learned that death and birth are almost one and the same in some ways. When one thing dies a new one is born—through the constant change and transformation of things.
Each chapter has a little lesson that I learned in my life. The next chapter is “The Hidden Blessing.” At eleven, right before I started to write the book, I had broken my arm. I was very, very—shy-extremely shy and it was very hard for me to talk to people. When I broke my arm, people would ask me, “How did you do it?” At first I would want to run away and hide and not tell anyone, but eventually I was able to talk about it. It was not just a simple “I fell down” type story; it was long and complicated. By the time I got my cast off, I realized that I had gotten a lot more comfortable talking in general. From that experience, I learned that whenever something bad happens, something good can come out of it.

Going back and reading my book reminds me not to complicate life, to be simple, to learn and grow from what occurs every single day. We can make the choice to pass over our experiences or to really look at them and learn. That is always the choice we have.

STEPPING OUT OF THE GARDEN

I’m working on a second book now and have been for a number of years. My first book left off when I was eleven years old, but as I entered into the transition time from childhood to adulthood, some painful things happened to me. Now I am writing about what I learned from that pain and what I have been able to take away from it. I want to honor the teenage years as a beautiful time. It can also be a time of confusion and fear and of self-exploration and I want to honor it for all that it is.

When I was very young, I could see angelic beings. I think this is very easy for children. Many adults are confused by this, but my parents encouraged me. I can remember lying out in a field of flowers and experiencing divine magic all around me. I didn’t really know what it was and didn’t really care because I wasn’t separate from the experience. My spiritual life has always been very important to me. I’ve found a real passion in Native American spirituality, in connecting with the Earth and seeing how all things are interrelated. I’m still shy in a way, but I am grateful for that, because I know how to go off and be alone. That is very important.

Part of my shyness was because I didn’t have much contact with people. My parents lived way out in the country and were into meditating and their spiritual practice. They didn’t spend a lot of time around people so I didn’t really learn to be around people until I was older. Another reason, I think, is that I had such a vast spiritual life myself. It had to do with being in my own world—a world that I really couldn’t tell people about. I was meditating in my own way. My church was the beautiful outdoors that surrounded my home. I would loose myself in nature. Peak experiences and feelings of being high were natural to me.

When I got into high school, I was still pretty shy. One of my teachers said to me, “You know you have a problem. You’re shy, you can’t go through life like that. You’re going to run into all sorts of hassles. This is a handicap.” I remember being saddened by this. He said he could help me become more aggressive and out there in the world. I remember thinking, “I don’t want to do that. Yes, it would be nice to learn to be more comfortable saying what I want, when I want in front of people, but I’m never going to lose my inward sense of myself. Being quiet and inward is a gift that helps me in life.” When he said that, I told him, “I like being shy.” Maybe shy wasn’t a good word to use to a person like him. Maybe I should have just explained that I value my ability to be alone and introspective. So over the years I have learned to balance this natural quietness with being more outward in the world. Balance is key. Being able to tell people about my inner life as I did in writing this book was part of this balance.

Before high school, I went to a full on public school. Although that was a shock, it was a wonderful school. Since being home schooled allowed me to be a child much longer than most kids, when I went into public school I said, “Okay, I’m ready to enter this world of school and really learn.” I immediately became a straight A student. I look at that as very important. Then I attended an amazing private school—Mount Madonna High School. I feel lucky about the variety of my education and wouldn’t change any of it because each school experience taught me something different.

Aside from the challenges and joys of school life I was going through other painful, but growthful experiences. A lot of young girls are exposed to inapropriate sexual stuff and boys too I’m sure. I guess I can say it—I was molested when I was fourteen by a man twenty years older than I was. That was a tremendously scary time for me. Because I trusted my parents so much and was so close to them, I was able to tell them. That was crucial because they were able to stop it right away. On the other hand, I don’t think they could have done anything to prevent what happened to me. It could have been so much worse but the fact remains that I was molested. I’ve done a lot of healing around that in my own sexual life and have had to overcome a lot, yet it still affects me today in painful ways.

The biggest lesson I gained out of that experience was my knowing that it’s ok to say “No!” I actually didn’t know that. Maybe I had been taught, but our society seems to not tell girls in a strong enough way that if something doesn’t feel right they can say “No!” I was very young. He was like a teacher to me, and I trusted him and thought he would know what was best for me. I wrote what I think is a very powerful chapter in my second book that talks about the importance of saying “No!” My hope is that if even one young person gets the message, then I have done a service.

I had been very sheltered as a child and although that was good it has also been a challenge. My parents educated me about the whole cycle of life including sexuality. They were very good about that, but we didn’t have a television, and I didn’t really learn about the harshness of this world until I was molested. Looking back on this experience, though it caused me a tremendous amount of pain, I can also say that the important lesson I learned has been a gift. Now when I work with teenagers and they tell me their stories, I can relate with more understanding. I can feel exactly how they feel. I have learned tremendous compassion.

DRUGS: A CHOICE

From a very early age my parents gave me an educational talk about drugs. They also did something that I think everyone should know about. They said, “We can tell you until we are blue in the face how wrong drugs are for you, but you are your own person. If you want to try them, that is your choice.” They said, “But if you ever do, talk to us first. If you’re really intent on doing this, we would rather that you come to us and we’ll get you the right drugs if we can. We’ll make sure you have a safe experience instead of you going off on your own with unknown people and maybe getting into a lot of trouble.” That has always stuck with me. I’ve never once used drugs. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t do anything like that and I never really felt the need to rebel, because my parents never gave me anything to rebel against. They supported me in such a loving way and also gave me total power over my life and choices.

In one past relationship when I was nineteen, ironically, my boyfriend was using a lot of drugs. I wasn’t aware of that until later. Finally I said, “I won’t do drugs, but I will be here for you and support you in getting your life back under control. I’ll also let you know how I feel about this and what is right for me.” Eventually that relationship ended. He wouldn’t change and I realized I couldn’t change him. He had to want to do that on his own.

HEALING RELATIONSHIP

I’ve had somewhat unhealthy relationships with men in the past, nothing terrible, but now, I’m in an incredibly beautiful relationship. We each have challenges that we are working on. That’s good, because we can sit down and say, “Look, here is my wounding and there is your wounding. Let’s work together and heal each other by loving each other.” It is a beautiful treat to be with someone in a healthy relationship. We share so much in common and can communicate about everything. We are both in the field of psychology, we climb mountains together and we have the same goals and desire to serve. We will probably always be together. One of the first times we spent time together, we shared our dreams about what we want to give to this world. We were both surprised at how similar they were. That has been really been incredible for our relationship. I am very in love with him.

Rami with her parents Joyce and Barry Vissell Photos provided

TEACHING AND LEARNING AS ONE

I’m realizing more and more by looking at my own life and looking at people around me, how beautiful everyone is and how much we all have to teach each other. You couldn’t have everyone in the whole world write a book about their lives, but it would certainly be amazing to hear people stories. If you can find the deeper meaning, you will always be happy, even in times of suffering. You can always drop down into yourself and find that deeper meaning and purpose. You can always ride that inner calm right through the storm.

When I finished my undergraduate work at the University of California in Santa Cruz, I wanted to do a PHD program but I didn’t want to go the traditional route—spending five or six years putting a bunch of stuff into my brain. I wanted to explore the deeper meaning and purpose of life. The Institute of Transpersonal Psychology in Palo Alto does that. I just finished my first year there. It was very experiential. We did a lot of meditating and bodywork and learned the basics of how to be with people—so much more than is offered in traditional talk therapy intellectual schooling. We are learning how to nurture each other’s souls and find the deeper essence of who we are. A lot of the year was spent working on ourselves. You can’t begin to be with someone else until you can be with yourself. That was what this year was about. Next year we will get into more practical stuff. Yet underlying all practical therapy is this goal of knowing yourself—your inner self, your spiritual self. It’s the transpersonal way, going beyond the person.

Rami Photo provided

A PATH OF SERVICE

As far as my goals for the future, I simply want to serve. It brings me so much joy when I can give something of myself to someone else—even by just making someone smile. That lights my fire. A private practice would be wonderful—using my own methods (which are still formative). I’m also incredibly interested in the outdoors. I’ve taken a lot of kids into the wilderness and adults too. I enjoy seeing what it does to people. Just by getting away from the everyday happenings of the city life and being among the mountains, rivers and deserts, you have to look at yourself. My goal is to do some type of wilderness therapy. This idea opens up vast possibilities.

I’m not a mainstream type of gal. I love arts and working with kids and animals too. Sometimes talking is a waste of time in a therapeutic setting. With art, drawing and movement, you can go so much deeper.

My parents are beautiful models for me. They don’t do the wilderness part but they do incredible groups, one-on-one therapy, and couple counseling. Just a few weeks ago they had a five-day couples workshop in their home that I went to with my partner. I had been a part of their workshops here and there, but never for five days. They are amazing. It is so inspiring to watch them. They really have a gift for working with people.

I have been working for almost two years at a group home—a residential treatment center for adolescents. It is level fourteen, which is just a step down from the psychiatric hospital, so it’s pretty intense. We deal with a lot of emotional and behavioral disorders.

We actually have a lot of freedom in our work and as an informal therapist, I can have a lot of input. I can pretty much run whatever kind of group I see as important. For example, I did a yoga group. At first, the teens were a little weirded out by it, but they really got to like it.

I work an eight-hour shift at night. Most nights a lot happens and it’s a hard job—especially when working with kids who are highly suicidal. When they are having flashbacks and hearing voices that tell them to kill themselves and to do all sorts of other stuff, you have to be there with them through intense processing. Other times it’s mellow and you can take the teens out and play with them. You can have fun.

This job compliments my education nicely. For example, when something comes up in a class and a question is asked such as, “What exactly is an oppositional-defiant child,” I know, because I have the experience at work.

I’m mostly doing this work because I want to learn and to give these teens love. I feel that is what they need and what most of them have never received. Most come from very disturbed families who have messed them up—parents, foster parents, caregivers and other people in their lives. Some of them won’t ever lead a normal life like you or me and will probably be in treatment centers for the rest of their lives. But some of them make beautiful recoveries while they are in our care and go on to a somewhat normal life. Sometimes I’m dealing with one of these young people and I think, “What should I do and what should I say?” But there is really no magic formula to what I can say or do. Love is the most important thing.

Many of these kids come in feeling down on life, down on their family and complain about all they don’t have. Sometimes I have them do a little exercise—take two pieces of paper and write down everything they hate about their life on one paper and on the other paper, they write down what they are grateful for and the good things in their life. This can be as basic as food and a place to sleep. Then we take the negative things and do a little ceremony and we burn it. I say, “Leave these negative things behind for now. This ceremony gives you a break from them. Let the smoke just carry them away.” Then I have them bring up the other paper and look at what they are grateful for. They really like that. The exercise gets them to focus more on the positive.

Even if they have been dealt a nasty hand, its there choice how they are going to deal with it. It’s really hard when a kid has been abandoned by their parents and placed in foster homes. Nothing seems to be working out and they have no idea where they are going to go, what they are going to do or who is going to take care of them or love them. That is hard! Ultimately they have the choice to give up or to take on the challenge. If they have the outlook that things can be better, then they know they can stick it out.

We discuss how our core assumptions either empower us or victimize us. I have seen a lot of these kids turn their life around, go to a good placement and do well because they choose to. Before they were struggling and getting into a lot of trouble because they didn’t care or believe they could change things. Finding meaning and a life passion is all-important. Recently we had a fifteen-year-old girl who was highly suicidal. Her life had been so bad. We discovered that she loved working with little kids and was very good at it. We got her involved in a volunteer program working with little kids. The transformation we have seen in her has been beautiful. She is doing something she really loves and is giving back to the community.

Meeting other children who had a great childhood and have amazing parents is beautiful and gives me hope. They are teaching and serving others from their experience. Other kids who have had a horrible childhood are teaching a lot too. My parents have always said that although they teach me, I also teach them. That can happen all the time between every one of us. That’s the ideal.

From Rami’s Book:

FAMILIES ARE WONDERFUL

From family album: Rami, Joyce, Barry and Mira Vissell

“I have a loving mother and father, a little sister Mira who is six and a sister in the heaven world."

I helped Mama by playing with Mira. I taught her to sit up by herself and then to crawl. Then I started teaching her how to talk and then how to walk. It was also my job to feed Mira her cereal. I laughed at how messy she was. Because I helped every day Mama had a special time with me while Mira napped. Soon I got to see that life was more fun since Mira came. Mira became my little friend and I taught her all of my favorite games. Sometimes she even called me Mama. That made me feel very important. When she started talking a lot I was the only one who knew what she was trying to say. When she didn’t want her supper, I’d pretend I wanted it and then she’d eat it all up.

Now that she is six years old we play a lot together. When we go places with our parents and there are only adults, I’m so glad Mira is around so we can play. Sometimes after dinner Mama and Daddy start talking about business and it is very boring. Mira and I go off then and start to giggle and pretend we are animals. We try and get Daddy to join us because he is a very good tiger.

Sometimes Mira and I fight and then it’s not much fun to have a sister. Then I wonder if it would have been better if she would have never come. But soon the fight is over and we giggle again. It can be real hard with Mira, but mostly it’s fun. I’m glad I have a sister.”

From Rami’s Book

THE MOTHER THAT IS ALWAYS THERE

Illustration from Rami’s Book: The Inner Life of a Child, written and illustrated by Rami Vissell

Did You know that you have a beautiful mother that is always loving and caring for you? She is there even when you feel like you are alone. You can’t always see her, but you can feel her love in your heart. She is our Heavenly Mother, and is a mother to all of us. Knowing how much She loves you can make you feel good all over.

When I was a little girl my mother started telling me about all the heavenly beings that looked after me. She especially talked about my Heavenly Mother. It didn’t really make sense to me. It was hard to believe that I had a Heavenly Mother that loved me when I could see my own mother.
I thought my own mother could do everything and would always be there. My mother told me that sometimes she couldn’t always be there but that my Heavenly Mother could. She told me that whenever I needed help I could pray to Her. It was hard for me to understand but I trusted that my mother was telling the truth.

When I was six I found out for myself that my Heavenly Mother is always there. We went on a camping trip to our favorite lake. We were totally alone. My sister Mira was just a new baby and needed lots of care and attention. My mother and father were very busy with Mira, so I often played alone with our dog Kriya. One day while Mira was crying and my parents were changing her diaper, I decided to get some peace and quiet. I called Kriya to come for a walk. We went through the meadow and crossed a little stream. I played at the stream for awhile and then continued up the meadow. I picked wild flowers as I went. Soon I came to a woods and kept walking. Kriya followed and I felt very happy. I even skipped a little.

After awhile, I felt I should go back to our camp spot. I looked around and discovered I was lost. I had no idea which way to go. Everything looked the same. I asked Kriya how we should go back. She lay down and just looked up at me. She wanted more of an adventure. I knew she wouldn’t help me get back home.

I sat down on a rock and started to cry. Kriya came very close to comfort me. After a while I realized crying wouldn’t help so I started screaming as loud as I could. The screaming didn’t help either because my parents couldn’t hear me.

Then I remembered what my parents had said about my Heavenly Mother. I thought I would try asking for Her help. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what a Heavenly Mother would look like. Then I asked if She would please help me to get back to my parents. I sat with my eyes closed for a short time trying to hear Her talk to me. I couldn’t hear anything except the singing of birds and Kriya’s breathing. But when I opened my eyes I could hardly believe what I saw. There was a light golden mist hardly touching the ground. It led in one direction and I knew I must follow it. It disappeared behind me as I walked. I felt so light and happy as I walked along. I followed the golden mist all the way back to our camp. When I looked back there was nothing but the meadow.

I ran to my mother and hugged her tight. Mira had cried a long time and had just fallen asleep. My parents had just started looking for me. We were all very happy. Now I know that I do have a wonderful Heavenly Mother. We all have the same great Mother and she is always with us.
At other hard times in my life she has come and comforted me. She comes to me in happy times too. She comes whenever I need her. She is always loving me and loving you too!