Goddess Grace
by Vidyadhara Ishaya

Grace awoke before dawn and peered out the window at the trees and the mists covering the land. The mountains were peaking in the distance. She, herself, was nestled in these mountains in a beautiful
community that practiced a form of prayerful meditation which had changed her life from the inside out permanently. There was so much gratitude in her heart today. She was now able to choose in any moment to remember Union, to focus on That which never changes, or simply to focus on Praise and Love rather than critisism, lack, limitation, or fear. But it was not always so.

Throughout Grace's Journey she found so much to both be grateful for and to fear. These intense contradictions made for a hellish mental condition known as depression: extreme self-consciousness caused by deep beliefs of limitation set into place with harmful consequences. "My mind is going to kill me one of these days," Grace expressed to her family and friends. "Grace always has good intentions. Her heart is always in the right place at least," people would say. But somehow, those pure desires that came straight from her heart where not able to remain that way coming up and out into manifest words or actions. If she desired a drink of water, for instance, she would often find herself with cocktail in her hand instead. If she desired a healthy relationship with a good man, she often found herself in one-night stands until that desire passed by. It was a miserable time. Grace longed to fulfill her heart's desires, but each time she could get herself to take a step forward in the "right" direction she quickly found herself taking at least two steps back. Frustration and a sense of failure crept in and haunted her at first in whispers and then in shouts. These voices reminded her of her parents and peers at different times in her life telling her that she "couldn't", "shouldn't" and so on. There was a consistant sense of guilt and shame that Grace carried on her shoulders always. Falling faster into the dark depths of ugliness and self-hatred, there was still hope that shone through in the form of prayer, journal writing, and dance. Grace also had a small group of spiritual friends who aided and supported in her blossoming self...but by this time anything from the outside was not effective. It was the Inner Voice that she had to trust now. Nothing else was dependable. Everything else changed. But it was her heart's will that could, if anything, carry Grace forward through this Dark Night and onward into the Light. As scary and painful as this time wss, Grace would be fine so long as she could hear that Voice. And then THAT disappeared and she was all alone.

Screaming out like a Wild Creature into the Dark Silence and Stillness, Grace called to someone, anyone to help her, to reveal anything, something...but there was no answer. Finally she heard a Voice so familiar yet not quite placeable neither male nor female ask her, "what is important to you now?" Grace threatened to take her her life. Then it was discernably the Goddess, the Mother who came to her and said, "Child, you must complete your task and so, if you leave now you will come back and continue until you DO complete your task." Grace knew this to be true but did not care. It was only when she reached the brink of death that she understood and surrendered to her destiny...to the Will of the Great Goddess.

Grace remembered then, that everyone has to face the Underworld in order to fulfill their contract, their life's purpose. Coming to the other side was rocky. The fear did not leave her, but Grace had found a new strength that she could summon at will. She found how powerful it was, in any NOW moment, to be honest, ask for help, and surrender to what was shown. "The small self must die so that we may each enter our own Path fully," Grace realized then. "It is in the Darkness that this occurs! It is only a matter of time now before I am able to fully align with the Will of Great Goddess. It is only a matter of time before the self falls away and the SELF remains," she thought excitedly.

Ahh... Now, here she was, two years later living in communion with the earth, with Nature, with ALL of life more so than she could ever remember doing in her adult and adolescent life. And Grace was able to remember now that this Goddess she found inside herself had always been there, watching, waiting, loving unconditionally and supporting her all the way. This Goddess that she uncovered was only hidden from view for a time... As a child, Grace could remember BEING that Goddess; uninhibited, bold, passionate. She remembered her treks into the fields and hills burying any dead animals she came across and saying a prayer for each. She remembered picking weeds and concocting brews for herself and the neighborhood kids. She remembered sitting in the woods in meditative state focused on the Silence behind all the woodland noise...that Silence that she was so familiar with now and could focus on anytime she remembered to. She remembered the hot energy that would flood her body until she found herself dancing to the beat of the very earth itself.

And now, Grace took THIS moment to experience it ALL more fully than ever before coming back to the moment, peering out the window at the mists lifting and the sun rising. "Thank Goddess!", thought Grace as she rose and went off to fix a steaming brew to celebrate this precious new day.

Vidyadhara Ishaya is a teacher of the Ishayas' Ascension. At this writing, she resided in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Her website can be visited at: ishaya.com and she can be reached by email at: moon_blossom7@yahoo.com.